Lupercalia Is Totally My New Favorite Baby Name.

23 Feb

I can’t switch to Sprint, which really sucks, because they just announced that 10% of your wireless bill costs will go to Planned Parenthood. It is thru Working Assets, a company I love in theory but not so good on the cell phone reception. So I will have to keep my other boyfriend (aka the Sidekick III) and give money to Planned Parenthood on my own.

Cept… Not so fast. Because apparently Planned Parenthood is planning Pagan Rituals with Coitus and Fellatio and all those other fancy words that describe that-which-I-watch-but-refuse-to-pay-for.

No, no no you tell me. Condoms in the school are not for Pagan Rituals.

So I now will repost, in its entirety, the argument against Planned Parenthood. I have not edited this for comedy.

Planned Parenthood Promotes Sexual Promiscuity

February 22nd, 2007

Every year, Planned Parenthood receives hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer money. Just last year, it received $272.7 million taxpayer dollars, covering 1/3 of its total income. Since 1987, $3.9 billion of our taxes have gone to fund Planned Parenthood’s brutal, illicit and licentious activities. Ever wonder what it does with that money?

In ancient Rome, there were two pagan festivals in the month of February that celebrated sexuality and included sexual games surrounding the phallus. The festivals of Juno Februa and Lupercalia, which began on February 14 and culminated on February 21, included the exchange of love notes, the drawing of lots which would determine their sex partner for the duration of the festival and a plethora of other orgastic rites.

Last week, Planned Parenthood brought back those old pagan rituals by launching its National Condom Week. Celebrating a week of sexual indulgence, Planned Parenthood Golden Gate in San Francisco encouraged people to send an e-card stating, “Valentine’s Day is the first day of National Condom Week, will you be covered?” Implicitly promoting multiple sexual partners, Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington, D.C. sold “cupid condoms” and advertised them as “the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your sweethearts.” Note that “sweetheart” is plural.

In keeping with the old pagan tradition of promoting the phallus as the symbol of the holiday, Planned Parenthood VOX chapter at Tufts University in Massachusetts ran a “sex fair,” which was decorated with “phallic balloons” and included several “games” including a [phallic] ring toss. One booth even had a station for students to decorate suggestively-shaped cookies.

In an age where government is completely barred from funding anything of a religious nature, one has to wonder why Planned Parenthood is receiving taxpayer dollars to resurrect ancient pagan rituals. While the invocation of particular deities may be absent from its past week’s “festivities,” there can be no doubt that the activities and dates of Planned Parenthood’s National Condom Week deliberately coincide with the old pagan traditions.

In light of this disgusting display of pagan debauchery, we call on all citizens to sign the petition at and do everything possible to cut off government funds to Planned Parenthood.

So there it is. Planned Parenthood promotes pagan debauchery.

Hi… ummm hello Yeah, are you listening? Are you sure?

There is absolutely no way to prevent teenagers from having sexual thoughts and desires. In the absence of education, those desires will overwhelm any willpower that teenagers might have. You can’t put your kids in a Skinner Box, hope they never hear about sex and therefore never want to have it. You cannot possibly think that Planned Parenthood are Pagans. No… you just don’t want to believe that we are religious people. That we believe in god. Or gods. You don’t mean pagan. You mean godless. You just like pagan cause you get to write about all the dirty business in a judgemental tone. And that gets you hot. You know it does. You’re all “tell me about the pagans” and then secretly getting that funny feeling between your legs.

We know.

But that is not the point. The point here, Crazed People Giving Christians A Bad Name, is that you actually think that condoms and education are bad for kids. You think that by mentioning sex to teenagers, you will drive them into an orgiastic frenzy that will commence rutting season.

Do ya need to change your panties? Go ahead… We’ll wait.

Nice to see you. Boy, don’t you smell fresh. Okay, I am going to tell you something from WAYYYY overhere in the land of liberal leftyism. Liberals don’t want teenagers to have sex and have abortions. We don’t like it. We don’t think it is cool. We just have a different approach.

Your approach is to avoid the subject, tell kids to think about the Baby Jeebus and hope they don’t figure out what the man stick and the lady business are for.

Our approach is to educate, speak plainly, and say to teenagers — if you do it, please don’t make babies, syphilis, chlamydia or HIV.

Your way is failing. So now what you need to do is sit down, shut up, get educated, and then speak up. Because Your Plan Is Failing. You Are Not Saving Babies, Teenagers, Women, Or Anyone In The Name of Your God.

You’re just looking like retards.

Okay. So now I’m going to go over here and I won’t notice when you steal all my safe sex pamphlets so you can go home, feel superior and then hump the shower nozzle. I won’t notice a thing.

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