From The Way Way Back Machine — September 25, 2003 – 10:49 a.m.

4 Oct

I’m not one to complain about my name. I mean, I like it, and I think it fits me, and I certainly don’t want any other name. But I have found that in the movies, my name seems to be associated with a kind of, I don’t know, maybe a personality or a character that I think I take umbrage with. Well, we will let the evidence speak for itself. And remember, this is just a sample.

Sphere – Sharon Stone plays a tough scientist named Beth who is, for no apparent reason, in love with Dustin Hoffman. She also advertently or inadvertently causes a death or two. Oh, and she gets all the exposition lines, like: “this seems to be an alien force which is controlling us in a substantial way”. I’m paraphrasing.

Peggy Sue Got Married – Helen Hunt plays Kathleen Turner’s daughter in a wraparound that features horrifying clothing and some really cheeseball lines.

Ordinary People – Mary Tyler Moore plays maybe the worst mother in history. She is mean to her son, controlling, takes away his French toast and the flashbacks of her with the dead son have this oedipal quality that kind of make you wonder. Plus, she is so fake with other people.

Fatal Attraction – Anne Archer. Cuckolded wife who discovers affair, boiled bunny, and then shoots Glenn Close in the stomach and then, for no reason, takes back murderous, cheating and completely undeserving husband.

Little Women – dies.

Basic Instinct – Jeannine Tripplehorne plays ball busting psychiatrist that drives Michael Douglas into Sharon Stone’s lesbionic arms.

So what does this mean?

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