An Open Letter to the Conservative Right

13 Oct

Dear Conservative Right,

I love a good argument.  A sentient, salient, well placed barb that makes me re-think my politics.  I love a smart debater, an intellectually engaged fighter.  I even love a crazy Christian, one of those “Jesus is the answer” people if they really know their stuff.  I’m not super smart but I’m smart enough to know that a country that encourages the most extreme viewpoints to debate each other is likely to be a stronger country.

But to a certain extent, to a large extent actually, politics is about winning. Winning the hearts and minds. Winning the right to make life and death decisions.  Winning the drivers seat so that you can steer the country.  And I’ve noticed some dead weight on your team.  I think maybe, since the weight is small and sort of limber, plus has blindingly blonde hair, you may think she’s actually helping the team.  But she’s screwing up your cause.

Her name is Ann Coulter.  And I know what you are saying. “Ann?  Little Annie Coulter? But she’s at every match screaming so loud for the team!  She is super super positive and popular and she gets people PUMPED!!! GOOO TEAM!!!”

I think maybe you aren’t watching carefully enough.  She is smooth, and pretty and she crosses and uncrosses her legs in a way that is both TV friendly and slightly pornagraphic.  She is not above a hair toss.  She may be the fourth Charlie’s Angel.

But you guys, she is saying all the secret stuff you guys don’t say to everyone.  The real reasons and passions behind conservatism.  If she tells people that you guys want everyone to look the same and also be tolerant (of what I have to ask, tolerant of sameness?) then the secret is out.  Everyone will know you guys want to convert the Jews, kill the Muslims and force women to give up the vote and have blonde babies.  She’s giving it all away.  She’s telling all us gay loving liberal fuckers how to win.  This is bad news.   You guys gotta get rid of her before she reveals the secret handshake and what goes into Mitt Romney’s hair gel.

Unless of course she wants us to win.

Love,

Lilly Livered Liberals!

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