Some Observations On The Occasion of Being Married for Three Months and Three Days.

5 May

Some Observations On The Occasion of Being Married for Three Months and Three Days.

Now, it could be considered dangerous to prognosticate about marriage three days after the 90 day manufacturers warranty has expired on our nuptials. By the way are nuptials a state of being? Are we enupted? Why is nupt not a prefix or suffix for anything? I don’t trust words that exist in a vacuum. Like vacuum.

So yes, we’re brand new at this and it would probably take better informed married folks longer to get divorced than we’ve been married. You’re the idiot reading this. I’m just the fool writing it.

What I’ve learned in the past three months:

It is completely okay for Ben to impersonate Robert DeNiro doing “little bit” from Goodfellas but it is not okay for me to do it. Because having your wife pretend to be an actor playing a homicidal maniac seconds away from beating a guy almost to death and then stabbing and shooting him to actual death doesn’t work. Even if she thinks it is hysterically funny and quietly does the impersonation when you are out of earshot, it is not okay.

Just because you marry a man he will not magically capture bugs and set them free. But he will let you know how great you are when you capture the bugs in a glass and liberate them while singing all four verses of Born Free. And he’ll quietly judge you when you say “fuck it” and smash the hell out of a bug that you don’t feel like liberating.

And on that note I inherited the “sit straight up in bed like and and check the doors when you hear a noise” gene. Ben did not. But he has the “don’t be ridiculous, that wasn’t an earthquake and no we don’t need to drive to Angeles National Forest to escape the tsunami go back to sleep” instinct so it all works out.

The Hive Mind is real and it can ruin otherwise fun driving games like 21 questions.

Beth: I’m thinking of something
Ben: Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?
Beth: Part vegetable, part animal.
Ben: A grilled cheese sandwich?
Beth (sighs): Yeah.

You have the same religious beliefs, even if you never really talk about religion and disagree slightly with some elements, like we both believe in the oversoul but are conflicted: are dogs part of the oversoul and if not, what does it mean that we feel closer to the ineffable by owning and caring for them? You know, serious questions.

You can talk about babies, and a house, and travel without worrying except for some specific exceptions. Talk about babies but do not discuss the mucus plug. Go look at houses but maybe not go through who wants to apply for the mortgage/talk to the bank right now. Plan trips but don’t feel obliged to belabor the fact that neither of you want to go to Australia because of the story that someone told about the size of the spiders there because it makes you sound like a wuss.

Sometimes, when married couples don’t talk at a restaurant it is because they have low blood sugar and are fearful that they may stab each other. But once the food arrives everything is okay. Also he’s going to want what you ordered. Don’t stab him.

Phrases like “I’m going to kill myself” and gestures like shooting yourself in the head aren’t funny because what if one day the other person actually does it? Also not funny anymore are the following phrases: I will fuck you in the eye socket, I’m not sure when I’ll be back and there’s no phone there, polygamy is interesting in a Darwinian sense and I know you cooked but you can clean up and do the laundry, right?

Certain things are guaranteed to make us laugh like pretending to be Harry or Lulu’s inner monologue, and this thing where I stick out my tongue and try to talk and pretend that nothing is wrong. It really doesn’t make sense unless you’re us. Which is pretty sad or amazing depending on your feelings about nerds in love.

When he says “what?” don’t repeat what you just said. Wait thirty seconds. He heard you, it just takes awhile to process when there’s so much sex and food to be had.

Go outside and take a walk. Don’t fight unless you really really want to go the whole nine innings. A fight is work, and its serious and you have to do it if you want to stay together (seriously I think fighting is as important as sex in a relationship and hopefully done with similar passions) but first make sure you really want to fight. Go outside and take a walk. If you’re still mad when you get back, go to town.

That said, crying is manipulative and unfair while you are fighting.

It is still not okay to poop in front of each other. I’m pretty sure it will never be okay and I’m okay with that.

We both hate world music, modern folk music and talk radio about angels/womyn. But we disagree about Daniel Shore: I think he sounds like a guy who needs the sucky thing from the dentist office and Ben thinks he is a genius. We also disagree about doo-wop and soul: I love it, Ben thinks it is boring unless we dance.

When you register for wedding gifts go to your friend’s houses and see what they have that you want and register for that. And even then, you’ll regret not registering for more stuff. Why the hell didn’t I register for more Calphalon Pro Cookware?

The stuff that you do that bugs the other person really does bug them and no, they won’t love you so much that it doesn’t bug them. Slurping while you eat food as the other person cooks, snoring loudly but infrequently enough to lull the other person back to sleep and then snoring loudly again, sniffling incessantly, biting your lower lip, talking in a flat midwestern accent when angry, speaking loudly, being late for movies, not finishing the dishes… still annoying. (Four of these are all me.)

Seriously, how hard is it to finish the dishes and clean out the sink? I’m just saying, how hard can that be? Nothing requires soaking overnight by the way. That’s a way to make me do the dish instead of you and we both know it and I’m just saying that so you know I know, and yes, I’ll do the dish anyway.

There is a real disease called “I just thought we lived in a house with wet towels on the bed and ants in the kitchen” and it has no cure.

Someone is always ahead of you. Dating? Someone just got married. Married? Someone just bought a house. Bought a house? Someone just had a baby. Trying to catch up with your friends so that you don’t feel like the younger siblings at brunch is stupid. Though a house would be nice.

2 Responses to “Some Observations On The Occasion of Being Married for Three Months and Three Days.”

  1. z. May 6, 2008 at 1:43 pm #

    Instead of “I’m going to kill myself,” try “please shoot me” or “please kill me”. Somehow that’s cuter? Or less threatening? And then partner can say, “No, I will NOT shoot you.” which is somehow comforting.

    No pooping should happen while anyone else is around. Except the cat, who likes to hang out by the radiator in the bathroom.

    Daniel Shore needs more Poligrip, but I love him despite this.

    Going to look up “oversoul” now. Catch you on the flipside, Bethy. (I still think it’s funny that both our Sara(h)s say that.)

  2. sentinelangel October 21, 2008 at 6:43 am #

    If I were in physical proximity to you both, after reading this, I would just sit and stare at you. Because really, that IS the only appropriate response to these thoughts you’ve just shared.

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